They/Them Pronouns: What They Mean and When to Use Them

They, them, and theirs are examples of nonbinary, gender-neutral pronouns that can be used in the singular. The pronouns they, them, and theirs have two main uses in our culture when referring to people individually. When you don't know someone's pronouns, you typically refer to them as 'they/them.' For example, if you saw a backpack or purse on the ground in public, you might say, "Someone left their bag here—I wonder if they need it?"

They, them, and theirs can also be used as a single person's pronouns, which we will discuss in detail here. This is done as a gender-neutral option in lieu of using a gendered pronoun. Using they/them as individual pronouns has become so frequent that in 2019, Merriam-Webster didn't just add it to the dictionary—they also made it their word of the year.

The use of they/them pronouns in the singular isn't new. According to the Oxford Dictionary, we have used they/them pronouns since 1375, if not before. They were used in writing all the way back then to refer to a singular person, not only a group of people.

What Does It Mean When Someone's Pronouns Are They/Them?

When someone uses they/them as their pronouns, it means that you should refer to them with those pronouns. Even if you think the person looks like a "she" or a "he," the appropriate thing to do is to use the pronouns that a person informs you are the right ones for them.

You can't really assume anything else about the person's gender, though. That's because there are many reasons why a person might be best suited with non-gendered pronouns.

For instance, they might be nonbinary, gender expansive, transgender, bigender, or gender non-conforming. They also may identify in a way that doesn't fit any of those descriptions.

Why Are Pronouns Important?

Whether or not pronoun use feels important to you personally, it is an important subject overall. That's because using a person's correct pronouns is a matter of basic respect, which is something that everyone deserves.

The correct usage of pronouns also validates and affirms a person's gender identity, even if the pronouns that someone uses aren't gendered. The simple act of using a person's pronouns has been shown to make people feel that their gender identity is validated and affirmed, in turn enhancing their well-being.

Who Would Use They/Them Pronouns?

As we have learned from the growing usage of they/them pronouns, there are numerous types of people who would use them. The most important thing is to simply not make assumptions about a person's gender identity, as anyone could potentially be a fit for they/them pronouns.

One well-known example of this is the slogan, "Femmes can be thems." This means that even if a person looks feminine to you, they might use they/them pronouns.

Nonbinary people are the most well-known group likely to use they/them pronouns. That's because non-gendered pronouns make sense for someone who does not identify within the binary box of male or female.

Additionally, they/them pronouns might be used by a person in transition. This can occur when someone is going through the process of transition and does not yet feel settled.

What Are the 4 Gender Pronouns?

Pronouns can be either gendered or not gendered.

Non-Gendered Pronouns

They/them pronouns, as well as neo-pronouns, which include ze/zir and ey/em, are pronouns that are not gendered. This means that when you hear them, there are no assumptions to make about a person's gender identity. That's why they/them is the go-to for referring to someone whose gender you are unaware of.

Gendered Pronouns

On the other side of the coin, the pronouns she/her and he/him are gendered and comprise the four gendered pronouns. When you hear someone use the pronoun she, you can likely assume their identity as a woman or girl, and when you hear the usage of he, you can equally likely figure that person is a man or boy.

How to Ask Someone What Their Pronouns Are

We talk so much about pronouns now that you might be worried about there being a right and a wrong way to ask someone what their pronouns are. If that's the case, you'll be happy to learn it's very straightforward. If you want to know someone's pronouns—and if you want to avoid misgendering a person—ask them. "What are your pronouns?" or "What pronouns do you use?" are both perfect questions to ask.

What to Do If You Get Pronouns Wrong

It's completely normal and common to make mistakes in life, and pronoun usage is no exception. How you handle the situation is what someone will walk away remembering, so that's the key to focus on. A person's pronouns may not match what you assumed of their gender, and until we all stop making assumptions, which is a very natural thing for us to do, mistakes will be made.

Collaborate Consulting uses an acronym to help people learn about what to do when you accidentally use the wrong pronouns for someone. It's referred to as the A.C.M. Method.

That's it! Nothing more is needed.

How to Learn More About They/Them Pronouns

Pronoun usage is an important topic, and it can take awhile to get used to using they/them pronouns in the singular if you are accustomed to mostly using them to refer to groups of people. It's wise to remember that you have always used they/them pronouns to refer to an individual whose pronouns you don't know. This can help make using they/them for individuals feel less foreign, as it's actually something we all have done our entire lives.

Takeaways

If someone you know has recently started using they/them pronouns, or if you have begun using them yourself, you may find that the process isn't always a smooth one. There are many resources available to help LGBTQIA+ people, including support groups for others like you.